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<title>(not) in love by quaffleswithsyrup</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23251144">(not) in love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/quaffleswithsyrup/pseuds/quaffleswithsyrup'>quaffleswithsyrup</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Emma Perkins, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, and none of the canon characters lived for her to date okay, emma is dating an oc but she's only mentioned, i will die with this ship, mostly angst though, she needed to date someone okay, you can pry it out of my cold dead hands</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:09:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,261</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23251144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/quaffleswithsyrup/pseuds/quaffleswithsyrup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>emma perkins never got to fall in love with paul matthews</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Paul Matthews &amp; Emma Perkins, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>(not) in love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>me, ignoring the fact that lauren confirmed emma's death and writing an au where she survived and moved to colorado: is this how the kids do it?<br/>all characters are the property of team starkid :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma Perkins was never in love with Paul Matthews. She wasn't in love with him, because they only knew each other for a day and a half before he was gone. They never even shared a kiss. </p><p>They never kissed, and then he left.</p><p>So no, Emma wasn't in love. She's dated since then, since Paul, and she's been asked that question. "Have you ever been in love before?" Emma's been tempted to say yes, at times. Just to think that she's honoring Paul's memory. But then she thinks to herself, <em>That's fucking stupid. His memory? Shit, I knew him for a day; I'm not qualified to honor him.</em> And so she says, "No." </p><p>Sometimes, though, she elaborates on her "No." Sometimes, she adds: "But I think I would have been." Without fail, the person she's on a date with always wants to know what she means. "Would have been?" they all ask. "What happened?" </p><p>And because she's Kelly to them, and she can't say anything about Hatchetfield, she cuts the conversation off there. Changes the subject. Says something like, "Why are we talking about him when we're on a date?"</p><p>But when Emma goes home to her five-acre plot of land every night (Colonel Schaffer was right; hell of a place to grow some cannabis), she thinks about it more. She thinks about him more. Paul. And she thinks about the answer she gave to her date: "No. But I think I would have been." And the words ring true in her head. </p><p>If she and Paul had gotten out of there, maybe gotten to see that silent movie, things would be different right now. She'd be sitting with Paul in a house they lived in together. She might have a wedding band on her finger. There might be a child sleeping in another room.</p><p>Emma isn't in love with Paul Matthews. She never was. But she thinks, if Paul had survived, she could have been. </p><p>They would have gone to see a movie together, a strictly non-musical one. Maybe their hands would have accidentally touched when they reached for popcorn. Emma would have pretended she didn't notice, or didn't care, but she would have cared a lot, and she would want their hands to touch again. </p><p>They would have gotten dinner after the film, probably. But not some gourmet restaurant. They would have picked up food from a local place and eaten it while walking through the park. They would have enjoyed talking to each other so much that they might have forgotten about their food, and it would have gotten cold. If Emma is being honest, she hopes that Paul would have had that look on his face, the one he sometimes had when he looked at her. When they sat together and talked in Hidgens' house and he just looked at her and she felt like he was seeing her and nothing else. She thinks that if they had gone for that walk in the park, he might have had that look. She wishes he would have.</p><p>They would go on lots of dates together. Maybe one time Emma would have taken Paul roller skating. He seemed like the type of person who had never been roller skating. So maybe they would have gone to the rink together, and they would have kept falling down, and it would have been okay because they were together. </p><p>And Emma would have fallen in love. It would have happened all at once. She would have seen his smile, and would have listened to his dorky compliments, and would have noticed the way he stared at her. And all of a sudden she would be in love. She would probably have been the first one to say it, and Paul would have looked at her, awestruck, and she likes to think he would have said it back. </p><p>Maybe after about two years of dating, he would have proposed. It would have been a small ring, because Emma wouldn't have needed anything fancy. She would have just needed him. Paul would have gotten down on one knee, and he might have said, "Em, please marry me." And her heart would have nearly burst, but she wouldn't have cried. She would have just said, "Okay." And then they would kiss. </p><p>Oh, the way they would have kissed. He would have held her in his arms, held her tight to him, and she would have felt like there was no one else in the world. Her mouth would be on his, and they would melt into each other, falling more deeply in love with every minute they stood there together, and Emma would have been swept away by him. </p><p>Maybe they would have moved in together, and gotten married. They would sit at the table together every morning, Paul with his black coffee and Emma with her cappuccino. They would talk about something different every morning. Maybe one Thursday they would just sit together in silence and hold each other.</p><p>They might have had kids. A daughter, named Jane or Charlotte. Maybe a son, Bill or Henry. Emma would have wanted to name her kids after Paul's friends who died. Her friends. They deserved to have that, at least. Or after her sister, or Professor Hidgens. Someone who died too soon. Their names should at least have more life. Emma is sure Paul would have agreed.</p><p>They would have been really fucking happy.</p><p>As it is, Paul Matthews is dead. Emma managed to escape the aliens and get to Colonel Schaffer, who immediately blew them all to bits with a machine gun. Paul and the rest of them are in too many pieces to ever be put back together. That blue shit is in a jar somewhere in a PEIP laboratory. Emma is safe in Colorado. She will never kiss him. </p><p>No, Emma was never in love with Paul. She'll never have the chance to be. But she could have been. She would have been. She would have loved him so much.</p><p>She likes to imagine that he would have fallen in love with her too, even if her fantasies are just that: fantasies.</p><p>So Emma comes home from each date with this pretend world in her mind, this world where she and Paul were allowed to fall in love. She tries not to think about him, but he always ends up on her mind anyway. She's with a woman named Clover now, but she doesn't think they'll be dating for much longer. Clover is probably going to break up with Emma at some point. Most of them do. No one wants to deal with a traumatized cripple. </p><p>Paul would have wanted to deal with her. </p><p>Paul would have called her Em. He would have touched her back. (He always seemed to do that.) He would have held her hand. He would have come to Thanksgivings with her brother-in-law, because maybe with him, Emma would have been brave enough to invite Tom over. They would have held hands. They would have kissed. </p><p>Emma's biggest regret is that they never got to kiss. </p><p>But she is not in love with Paul. She never was. The universe couldn't let them have that one thing. So she swallows her pain and her guilt and her anger, and she puts her hair up. She's going on a date with Clover tonight.</p><p>Clover doesn't look at her like Paul did, but that doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters about Paul.</p><p>Because Emma was never in love with Paul Matthews.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i wrote this in an hour and a half and didn't edit it. in this household we die like men. please comment if you enjoyed it whatsoever :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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